You only live once.

In my early twenties, this was my mantra. An uplifting one. You only live once. Do whatever the hell you want!

In my thirties, the same phrase comes with a pang of sadness. You only live once. Your decisions, your mistakes, and your lost years, they define you. There is no do-over, because you only live once.

The same phrase can be interpreted so differently. One filled with hope, and the other shadowed by fear. And it is life’s quiet betrayals that changes one’s interpretation.

When you’ve been let down over and over again, you no longer reach for hope. When you’ve known the deepest heartbreaks, you forget how to love. You move through life with an invisible veil to insulate you from the pain. But that veil softens everything. You experience less joy. You behold less beauty. One might call it, a protective numbing of the mind.

You could choose to live like this forever. In your cocoon woven to keep the pain out. You go through the motions. You don’t process unpleasant emotions. You let them bubble on the surface. But is that truly living?

I have been numb and depressed for a long time, not able to bear the weight of life’s heartaches. Not able to stare the human condition in the face. But I’m beginning to see that there is wisdom in learning to accept these sorrows and realities as part of life’s grand experience. To receive them with grace and tenderness. To show kindness to yourself, and to others.

Yet, this is not something that one can engineer. It is a journey that you must walk on your own. And when the time is right, you will find your own enlightenment. The important thing is to keep moving forward even when life makes no sense. Even when the road ahead is hazy.

You only live once. This phrase should not bring delirious hope. Neither should it cause existential dread. Instead, I think it should teach us humility. Humility to live intentionally, yet lightly. Humility to die to the Ego, and awaken to the Self.

–

There’s this reserve of sadness in Shy. Like he’s seen the whole, bleak, terrible truth of the universe. And he’s right. Like, when Shy tells you why things are fucked, it’s hard to argue with him. I just pray for the weather in his head to be kind. To clear for a bit. I just want to say to him, “There’s so much, and it’s a lot, but hold tight, because you won’t always feel like this.“

– Steve (2025 film)