“He thinks I’m not excited about the wedding,” she said to her therapist, as a matter of fact. “It’s not that I’m not excited. I just hate admin.”

It was less than two months to the wedding and she had not sent out her invitations. He was getting mad. 

She had never been an admin person. She hated excel sheets, comparing prices, creating guest lists or trying different make up artists. What mattered to her more was how she felt inside. The things in her head. The things that could not be checked off on a to-do-list. The things that only her gut would know when they were ready. 

“Have you considered that maybe, you are not ready to get married? And admin is just an excuse?” Her therapist said, gently.

She paused and thought for a minute. “Isn’t it too late to think about these things?”

“It’s never too late until you sign the papers. Sometimes, there’s a deeper reason why we procrastinate doing certain things. And from what you’ve been telling, I think you know why.”

She walked home that night, feeling like a truck had hit her. She always felt that way after therapy, where she was forced to confront the tough decisions.

“You cannot marry someone who makes you question your own sanity,” her therapist had said earlier.

That statement made her realise that she was living in hell. Her life was a living hell. The person she loved and promised to spend the rest of her life with was giving her night terrors, and causing her stomach to twist in ways she never thought was possible. She knew she had to leave. 

What she didn’t know was that leaving would not take away the trembles and gasps for air until a long time later. 

That she would one day put pen to wrist to mask the emotional pain she felt inside. 

That she would pop pills that were supposed to make her feel better, but ended up making her feel nothing at all. 

That living till 30 would feel nearly impossible.

But what she also did not know was that after going through all of these, and more, her mind would eventually be clear one day. 

That she will find love, hope, joy, and all the things she believed in as a little girl.

And so, she left.